It’s a new day…new month, in fact a new year…the townhouse is sold, now onto this new adventure

 Surprise Surprise Deon sent us a whopping $1000 … according to him a few months ago he was willing to help us with much more…I am thankful yet he continually snubs us and our children…the others he just hands them over $ after $… our children would have needed funds, we simply never asked because it’s always one sided. I need to let it go, remembering that we are alone with no source of support…it just makes me sad

 I shouldn’t be surprised, any time any family from Mark’s has said they will help, they don’t. I think because I am weak & still trying to gain strength I believed this buffoon, and once again a deep disappointment. We do have enough funds for a sparing Christmas, hopefully not to take on debts, and then cover our bills…but everything is still daunting. My prayers are that A & A’s townhome will sell soon and we can begin to recover our depleted funds. 

 It’s a new day…I can barely function. I’m trying to let the logic of the monthly income which does meet the need, help me see that it will work out. I did manage to make sure I purchased 2 grand children Christmas presents…I’ll consider that a win. 

 

 Moved again… now living with youngest daughter and family. This was to be a place of family to help me recover from cancer, sadly it is not. I live in constant fear…emotionally and physically. It always revolves around expenses. Their townhouse sale fell through and instead of paying less we needed to pick up and pay the entire rent. We have just enough to squeak by, but it only increases my fears. I am once again living in panic, that does nothing but overwhelms me with fear. Every night I pray and beg God to let me die…I am sad

Close 

 We visited Madeira Beach on the gulf coast of Florida with Amy, AJ, & the girls on Sunday. It was difficult for me, I am getting dizzy when traveling & I feel a lot of chest fluttering. We went to a restaurant that had live music. I ordered fish & chips. We looked at a lot of condos & apartments. We found one yesterday  in Celebration, it fits the budget on the high end but we’ll be close to Amy. Frankly I don’t see anyway we will find anything suitable for us. I am in a strange agony and am feeling suicidal. I won’t do anything because I can’t figure out how to kill myself. If it doesn’t go away, then I plan on telling Mark that we’ll need to move closer to Dave. Overall I am in so much pain. I’m trying to focus on God.