We visited Madeira Beach on the gulf coast of Florida with Amy, AJ, & the girls on Sunday. It was difficult for me, I am getting dizzy when traveling & I feel a lot of chest fluttering. We went to a restaurant that had live music. I ordered fish & chips. We looked at a lot of condos & apartments. We found one yesterday  in Celebration, it fits the budget on the high end but we’ll be close to Amy. Frankly I don’t see anyway we will find anything suitable for us. I am in a strange agony and am feeling suicidal. I won’t do anything because I can’t figure out how to kill myself. If it doesn’t go away, then I plan on telling Mark that we’ll need to move closer to Dave. Overall I am in so much pain. I’m trying to focus on God.

It’s a rental

 Once again…Florida does not disappoint…the family coined saying of “it’s a rental “. Nothing here is permanent, other than AJ, Amy, & the girls. It is pure hell…I despise God for everything. He created this ugliness, the agony of despair. Florida is nothing more than a foul stench. I hate it here and I hate anything to do with it. Now that we must move because the rent increased so much, we might as well leave this horrid place. I now hate Disney…swimming pools, going out anywhere….it’s the most vile place ever. Meeting that man today who said…you’re from Oregon…what do you think of Florida??? My response, I wouldn’t give you a plugged nickel for this horrible place, my only reason to stay is our family, they’re worth a million dollars. He agreed and said he hopes I will like it soon. I think my true reason for my complete disdain is that I have no roots here…so maybe purchasing a condo will do the trick.

So here is the list…

Must be cost effective…must keep a solid savings account

Air conditioning 

Washer/dryer

Patio

I’m going to look in other areas beside 34747 & 34746

I live in constant hatred 

Overwhelming sadness 

Conversation

 It seems that imagining sitting with Aslan help me navigate my ever changing emotions. Even with the nice cooler mornings, I ache to be somewhere else. 

Cool mornings

 The mornings are finally cooler, humidity is manageable…I can bake a bit, open the windows and feel a cool breeze. The evenings are pleasant and I long to find a place with a porch/deck of some nature so I can enjoy it. The area has many snakes, as well as alligators and a multitude of bugs:( at this point I can tolerate most. I’m managing better in the car, have driven a couple of places. Mark & I will be going out for a “cheap” date on Wednesdays. We’re going to go to hobby lobby and look for a little artificial tree tomorrow. We’ll probably get a light lunch & a coffee drink. I still worry about how we can afford a place, prices are mostly out of our range especially with the 20% down, leaving us little to have in the bank. We’re leaving next Friday to fly and visit Dave coming back on Wednesday evening. I’m now uncomfortable with flying but must buckle down because that’s the only way I’ll be able to see them. The car part has to come so we can do any real driving. So….how do I like Florida, 6/7 months here…no, I don’t like it, but I don’t despise it as much as before. It’s still chaotic, way too many people, over priced. If Amy & AJ moved I would be happier. The girls still bless my heart, especially Rylee, she’s such a joy! The littles are fun too, just a lot more work. Amy is the best for me by challenging me and helping me through the tough times. Last night, Amy, Rylee, & me went to Hobby Lobby for Christmas decorations…it was fun, but the cloud of sadness was still very present.

Fall festival

No matter where, when, what, or why…this place is disgusting 🤢 I still cannot imagine why I find everything filled with such disdain and utter chaos. At this point I can’t imagine I will stay, even though I love so dearly Amy, AJ, and the girls. Someday I hope God will intervene and show the light at the end of this pitiful place.

 What a horrible place Florida is! There are no words that can adequately describe how ugly, hot, expensive this disgusting place is…nothing can compare to the foulness. I moved to be close to our children…but this utter filth consumes anything remotely decent. 

September

 Now that Amy and family have moved into their apartment taking the boxes of furniture from our dining room, I decided to change things a bit, making the dining room Mark’s office and putting the din8ng room table in the corner of the living room which will be cheerier. I’m trying to create a place that feels comfortable (even though I’m overwhelmed with sadness inside). I still don’t like Florida…I despise the heat, the roads are beyond challenging, and the people hard to describe. I worry constantly about our finances. I find it almost impossible to get exercise and now I comfort eat. Even though we have enough savings to find a place, the very thought of moving again makes me nauseous, and the agony of finances has me in terrible pain. Almost daily i question what can I do to make living here tolerable.

Home after visiting David and family, which felt like a vacation. I got to go shopping with Tiffany & McKenzie, had coffee & pastries at their French patisserie, went to a class to make a lotion bar. Coming back to Florida was ok, but I’m finally realizing that since I have no real roots here, it’s difficult to call it home. The flight was difficult because there was turbulence, I felt dizzy when we landed, and have general pain through out my back & shoulder.  

Tiffany piked out a cross stitch pattern, which I am working on, I’ll turn it into a pillow. I am also going to make some placemats with fabric from Hobby Lobby. I really do like cross stitch, is the one thing that truly relaxes me.
 

 Tomorrow we leave to visit Dave & family, got my budget and plan to have a bit of fun😍 there’s a cute French patisserie which I hope Tiffany, McKenzie, and I can visit, get a special drink & a pastry, go to Target to pick up some duplo legos for Kai, then Books-a-million with McKenzie to find her a book. This afternoon Ellie & Sammy came over while Amy, AJ, & Rylee went to see Rylee’s new school. It’s nice to be with the girls especially when I’m struggling here so terribly. Florida is still a huge conflict for me, money is always on my mind, and the heat & humidity is definitely uncomfortable, maybe when it cools down I’ll be better. Overall, no changes, great sadness every where I look.

 Yesterday we were blessed with a tropical storm, heavy rain, thunder and lightning, humidity, and wind. Each day I seem to start with great optimism, but by noon it’s mostly drudgery. The bugs are all over the place, I have no idea where my bugs bites come from, but I have welts and itching all over. This morning started again by a ping on Mark’s phone, it was Amy asking if we could watch Sammy and Ellie while she and Rylee went out. We decided the best option was to have her drop Sammy off, then Ellie and I will come home after her VBS. I got a coffee at Starbucks in Celebration, since I forgot my cozy in the car I went back, got it, took a cute picture and sat in the car for about an hour…believe it or not, the car was cooler, no humidity, I will remember this. (It was parked in the shade, but it’s still always hot and humid). How in the world do people like this weather? I can’t make heads or tails of this environment. I did ask the question on Instagram…the children’s song “the wise man built his house upon the rock”…since Florida is built on sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand, where does that leave me, or the millions who live here. I am unsure if the sunshine is worth the piling negativity. 

I went to the local library, which is where i am sitting…it’s cool, nice windows to see if the weather changes. I will need to go and find lunch, maybe Publix and get a potato and zucchini for dinner. I feel as if i am still on a spin cycle, not knowing my direction and where I will land. Last night I told Mark that I felt safest and most settled at Dave’s house…I think it’s because it is a house. We could never buy a house here, anything in our price would be a mobile home (NOT) or in a horrible community. I like a bit of Celebration, but the town is similar to LA, everything built upon everything, no quiet, no privacy. So far our only option is a condo or townhome, Mark wants a garage, which I agree would be ideal, but they are hard to come by and add more dollars to the equation.

I find it odd, that since it’s already in the upper 80’s and high humidity, people come into the library dressed in sweatshirts and long pants, while here I sit, in shorts and a sleeveless tee shirt. Everything here makes me question every move I make. Yes, we are here because of Amy and AJ, also Dave and Tiffany in South Carolina, yet, maybe we should just do a yearly family vacation. At this point we are stuck…our funds in a CD locked away, thankfully. Time will tell.

 Another humid morning…it’s hard to describe how the heat affects me. No…I don’t like it, but maybe fall, winter, & spring will be better. Dave & Hezekiah FaceTimed me this morning, everything with a baby makes the world right. I plan to work on my cross stitch while waiting for Ellie & drink my starbucks. Ellie’s water bottle leaked this morning so I’m going to see if I can find her a new one when the shops here open up. Yes, I am still sad, but today at least hopeful.

 Back home from our short trip to visit Dave & family. Flew out early Saturday morning, got home late Sunday night. It was a great trip. I think the “settled “ feeling I look for here in Florida is there at Dave’s because of their house. Tiffany has been working on creating a lovely comfortable environment and I feel it immediately when we walk inside. We also sleep quite well. We’ll be back in August for a few more days, which is fun to be with them and watch Hezekiah grow up. I keep looking for cheap airline tickets…I could easily go every 2 weeks just for 1 night. When we got home I was totally exhausted and still am today (Tuesday) but so worth the exhaustion. Today, got up early, went to Amy’s and picked up Ellie to take her to church for their VBS. Yesterday AJ took her because I was exhausted but I’ll take her the rest of the week. It’s just in the morning from 8:30 to 12:30, cost only $40 and includes a breakfast, snack, and lunch. It’s nice to have a schedule of healthy activities, keeps my mind in a better place. While waiting for Ellie I plan to work on my needlework, plus today I have to go to the needle shop and pick up the patterns I want to work on. They are the JBW designs, a French style and they look great when done.

Now…Florida…I still don’t like it a all. I’m working on a plan. Lots of people are away from their families, they just get together once a year…maybe that will be a good option. Maybe staying on the east coast, finding a place in the mountains (possibly the Smokey mountains) then travel a bit to see each child and plan a nice family vacation once a year. Since we were here in April and got a small taste of spring, it was warm, rainy but ok…summer is not fun at all, it’s always sooooo hot and humid. I get sunburned every day, but the heat drains me of any energy. Finding a way to walk (malls are so far away, or outside and still quite ugly) hence no walks for me. Mark and I had a horrible argument before our trip to visit Dave, again, he’s been so self focused that he can’t think of anyone else and boy does his words cut and hurt…we talked about this again ad so I’m trying to tell him ways to not be so painful in talking with me.

Right now I’m at Starbucks, yes it’s air conditioned but when you step outside it’s like you’ve walking into the fire. I really hate it. I’m going to head out to sit by the little alligator filled lake and do my needle work before the store opens and I have to pick up Ellie. This should be fun, but the heat robs me of any kind of enjoyment…I do try to accept this environment but yikes, it’s almost impossible to find anything nice here.

I have friends from Celebration church, they understand and are helpful, but the overwhelming sadness is mounting and I’m finding it so difficult to deal with. Fortunately this week every morning I’m busy getting Ellie to church, next week Leslie will be here and we’ll watch the littles. Then the following week we head back to Dave’s, plus I want to purchase some household things for her new apartment. I’ve got the budget worked out, am on track, but shopping for Amy can be a challenge because I want her to have everything. 

I’ll just take it one day at a time..think about the positive activities ahead, plan for some more fun things, and maybe something will happen.

•  Monday morning and still missing Oregon…it’s hard to be here in the heat, it’s tropical and humid. Yesterday we went to Elevation church at Freedom high school, Hunters Creek area…it is pretty, looks fairly quiet. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. The music was excellent, teaching good…maybe we found it? Tonight Ellie and Sammy are spending the night…a new adventure since this is their first time. Tomorrow Amy, Rylee, and me will go to visit/school shopping in Winter Garden. Overall I am still uncomfortable & sad…next weekend we’ll be visiting Dave and family…maybe I can create some happy memories.

 Drove to Disney Springs this morning. Used the map app where a ladies voice gives you the directions. Got there as it was opening, it was already humid. Went to Starbucks and drank my coffee drink it a/c, headed to the big Disney store and found a mickey hand soap dispenser which forms a soapy Mickey Mouse in your hand…knew that Amy would need something cute for her new place, so surprised her. Also went to Amorette’s patisserie and purchased some desserts. Ended up sharing them with their friends for lunch by the pool. Tomorrow Amy, the girls and me will drive to Davenport and hopefully shop a bit at home goods.

How do i like Florida? I still don’t. I’m worried that we will never be in our own home again, mostly because there’s nothing that I think will fit us. Our apartment is ok and we’re still close to Amy, can’t look until 2022 because of the CD and our lease…it just leaves me so unsettled. I feel so uncomfortable and just want to cry & cry. It’s possible that I’ve over decorated our home, again leaving me so uncomfortable. At this point I’m under the impression that my unsettledness is here to stay. I hold onto the thought that things will look better next year.

We’ll be visiting a new church on Sunday, but Mark & I will attend Celebration on Saturday night. Church does make a difference and I am grateful for it.

 Home from our staycation at Disney’s Caribbean Beach Resort. It was wonderful to be with Amy and her family and David with his. Saturday had rain on and off…there was lightning and thunder, the pools closed, but David arrived, got them settled and had a wonderful dinner. After dinner we went to the pool in the evening, it was cool, a bit humid, yet oh so pretty. Sunday, the 4th of July went well. Did some shopping in the morning, had a lovely breakfast, then dashed to the pool…Amy had her heart set on a table with an umbrella…it was perfect. I went, got my swimsuit on, sprayed a TON of sunscreen on me…sat under the shade, but did go into the pool. I did is bit of water exercises, especially for my arm, felt good too. Even with all the sunscreen I got quite a sunburn, so today my back, front, shoulders hurt, but by tomorrow it should be better. The threat of hurricane Elsa, but she changed to a tropical storm. I am not happy about learning that Florida is really tropical…it’s quite rainy in the summer. No more summer vacations here for us, it’s too unpredictable. I am concerned if we don’t work hard at being a family, everyone will part from each other, not on purpose but because it’s so difficult to get together. We are leaving to visit Dave on Saturday July 24th, just for one night to celebrate Tiffany’s birthday then come back Sunday night. We visit them again August 11 through the 14th. AJ is now at work, on his orientation cycle…we pray daily that this will be a good place for him, there is opportunity to grow and do other things rather than just truck driving. He will be working Tuesday through Saturday having Sunday and Monday off. They work every day of the year including holidays, so he will be working all holidays. This was a huge blow to Rylee, having him work,  but maybe something can change. 

Do I like Florida yet…no not really. It’s like living in a foreign country. The weather is a huge obstacle do to the heat and humidity. My balance is now really challenging because the barometric changes are often and dramatic. I am trying to find the good in my situation, so far nothing is standing out.

Tomorrow is Esther’s birthday, she’ll be 42. I feel so old, not a good old too…I thought I would have a better old age season, so again another huge disappointment. It seems to me that there are just one disappointment built on another, no real reprieve…it’s daunting. I don’t want to buy anything because the weather here is awful, so I feel this terrible unsettled feeling, nothing permanent. Our apartment is nice, but I don’t have any outdoor space, not that we could use it in this horrible weather coming and again with the heat…but at the resort the one evening was really lovely and I did like that. I have to absolutely get a grip on my living situation or I’ll again be overwhelmed with sadness.

All the girls played nicely on the trip, Hezekiah was adorable and my favorite part was how well Dave and Amy conversed and had fun. Please God, let this continue…please help us to continue to grow close as a family. 

 Day 2 of my writing adventure…my eyes were really drippy last night so I sent Mark to get some children’s Benadryl, it helped me to sleep and dried me up a bit. This morning I feel wobbly, that’s what happens when I take an antihistamine, it affects my ears. The weather this morning is lovely and I did grocery shopping at Target, but there were lots of things not available, I just purchased what I needed then headed home. I’m still feeling poorly so I will need to rest. 

Almost all of the pictures we put on the walls will have to come down, they just don’t fit the apartment. I thought hanging them up might help me feel more at home, but so far it hasn’t done anything to extract my much needed homey emotions. I am still emotionally all over the map…it’s ridiculous to think at my age that I can’t calm down and accept my reality, it’s sad. Today we’ll take things off the wall and see what happens.

Since Amy & AJ have found a home o purchase we can look around that area, but we won’t be moving until next year, we do have a lease here until February 2022. The apartment is ok, the complex is huge, at least we have air conditioning! Also we have a laundry room too. The item we have saved most of are framed pictures. We purchased a bookshelf and hopefully I can put out some pictures, reduce our boxed belongings and give us a more homelike appearance.

Since I’m tired and feeling poorly, I’ll add more later…now for some rest.

 Hopefully no one will ever read this blog…I am attempting to find a way to release my internal frustrations. Since Amy & AJ, along with David & Tiffany decided to move to the east coast, taking our grandchildren, Mark and I felt we had no other option but to sell our townhome and move. We chose to live by Amy & AJ, mostly because I will be able to do more with Amy than anyone else. The strangest thing happened also, at the same time Ryan was offered a job in Montana, so they sold their house, bought property in Red Lodge, a ski resort, close to Ryan’s work, where they are building a new home. All of this happened starting in January 2021. Since our townhome sold so quickly, then closed in 3 weeks, we took off to Orlando. (Monday April 5th) The uncertainty of our future was looming as we boarded the plane, then landed, headed to our hotel. The house closed and then I knew we were somewhat “stuck”. I guess I kept thinking that someone would change their minds, but no…full speed ahead. David & Tiffany sold their house in record time, used their funds to purchase a home in Rock Hill, SC, sight unseen…but all worked our reasonable well. They drove across the US parents, 12yo daughter, toddler (17 months) & their dog Zeus. There were concerns about the truck, mechanical issues, then the gas shortage hit. All in all, they arrived May 10, their belongings too, then their adventure in South Carolina begins. We decided to fly from Orlando to visit Dave & family, so we left early (5am 5/29…yikes, that was an early adventure) to Charlotte, North Carolina about 25 minutes to their home. We had a wonderful visit, first time in almost 2 months where I felt somewhat normal. Stayed until June 1, flew back to Orlando…then Amy & AJ’s car arrived, June 7th they arrived…we’ve been busy ever since.

Now…our adventure in Orlando…we hit every wall imaginable…Murphy’s Law at it’s finest. Every where we went doors slammed shut. The people are friendly enough, but it’s as if common sense is an unknown territory. On our first real day, we headed to visit Disney Springs, only to get a message our car was arriving, so we headed back to our hotel by Uber, Mark picked up our car…something familiar in this unknown world. Fortunately before we moved I connected with a zoom bible study from an adorable church in Celebration. On our 3rd day in Florida, we had lunch at the Celebration Town Tavern…it was a lovely day, the food was good, the server was a native Floridian and gave us a lot of information. I thought Florida might work…but Murphy’s Law was not done with it’s furry. Every night I cried, what have we done…what are we to do…still now, 2 months and 2 weeks later I still question this choice.

At least Amy, AJ, and the girls are here. They bring that family balance that I sorely need, laughter abounds with girls which is infectious…a fleeting glance at normal. Then, the cold hits…upset stomach…coughing, lots of phlegm, laryngitis, along with our possessions packed into a pod we shared with Amy & AJ. I thought if I hung up some pictures, made food in my pans ( due to cold have not done this), maybe, just maybe I might feel the homey familiar feeling…sadly no. Could be my cold, but I am sad…just plain sad. I hope tomorrow will look better.