Grains of sand

God knows how many grains of sand on the sandy sea shore, He knows what I need and He provides. Mark was hired on a new job to start on Monday, so our needs are provided for. In today's economy, this is a miracle...thank you God:-)

Bitter sweet

I used to have high hopes that alL things would work out, then there is Murphy's Law, and that is exactly what happened. For the most part I believed that people would want to better themselves, yet what I am observing while working in the community of victim mentality, it is easier for the individual's to allow others to take their responsibilities, blame them on others, manipulating people to "feel sorry" for them and of course rescue the party from their consequences. That is exactly what happened last evening with this 10 year old girl, her care giver mother, and the enabling that occurred. As a society we will be paying thousands for this one act of stupidity on the part of "her parent". I am sad. It probably annoys me most because of the injustice of the situation, that is my "hot" button. At least we only lost one night's worth of pay. I am hopeful that we can have another student next week-end to build some monies while Mark is unemployed. With the interview that Mark goes to on Monday, maybe it will result in the job that he will enjoy and provide for our family. Never the less, this "job" does help give me something concrete to do and earn money too.

The effects of other peoples choices

The decisions that others make do impact our lives, some more than others. I am stunned to see someone willingly make a choice simply because it is easiest without care or thought of another person. I always wanted better, starting when I was probably 4 or 5. I wanted the "pretty" life, I especially thought all children wanted to go to the park, to run & play, to swing, go down the slide, to have picnics at the zoo, to color, read books, look at pictures. I am devastated that more children today just want to be lazy, do only what they want, and have no thought or consideration for others. Today I believe this will be confirmed in this 10 year old girl, I truly think she is smart, but she would rather hurt everyone around her, which does end up hurting herself in the long run, rather that choose something noble to inspire her to be a better person. In 20 years, all of this patronizing of these children will backfire in MY society, I will be stuck with these disgusting people, my children and grandchildren will have to pay for them and the "lazy disgusting" lifestyle...I see this as a one way situation, there's or those of "normal caring thoughtful" people. This is another reason why I am sad:(. I will show a picture of the pretty I dreamed of, it's just that it will never happen now.

One step forward... Two steps back

Just when it seems that I am moving ahead, there is a setback, something out of my control, nothing that I can do to change the situation, and I am farther behind than before. That occurred last night, at least I had accounted for the possibility...the old adage, if anything can go wrong it will...once again that happened. I used to be so positive, I felt there was nothing that was impossible, especially with hard work and determination, but not so any more...I find that I always think of the worst possible outcome. I am dumbfounded by this and trying to find a way to escape, more to the point, how to survive is my top priority. Where in the world did these old promising, hopeful thoughts go? In all honesty, once again I feel hopeless...but...maybe today something wonderful will happen, I suppose that is where my hope lies, that just maybe, maybe, maybe, something good will happen.

Just a matter of minutes

So true, in just a matter of minutes your life can change. With the upheaval in my life and my seemly lack of ability to trust God, something happened. I asked my husband the other morning how he could show me that there was a promising future...he said that he did not know the future, but he did know the past and that every, yes indeed every time he has been laid off God had provided...therefore with that history he could trust the future. I was not and still am not able to handle this uncertainty, yet, yesterday something unusual happened. We were asked to watch a little boy for 3 nights, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday...since it's summer and our grand daughter Rylee is going to attend a VBS, we thought this little boy would like to come too, so I called the office to ask for permission and the coordinator said there was a change and could we watch the little boy for 2 weeks...wow...could not have happened at a better time for us. I asked the coordinator if we could still have another student for the week end Friday and Saturday nights, and he said that he was fairly certain that he could arrange another student that would be compatible with this little boy...so in a matter of minutes God provided money for another month...... I am stunned...happy, but none the less stunned. So what is my fear? Two very close women in my life asked me the same question...do I remember a time when my parents or siblings spoke a curse over me, something very very common, I found it interesting that both of these God loving women had the same thoughs as they were praying for me. Truthfully I had thought about it myself, so this is another area to explore for me to have a complete healing. Another area of change was that my husband cleared the questions with unemployment and that he will start to get a check next week and as he called around to the union business, a large job will be opening up very soon, as early as July and he could very very likely be on that job. This blessing would allow my husband to get the needed hours to complete for his pension and the job could last up to 2 to 3 years. Now that would be a miracle! I continue to wonder how God can help us...I am hoping that He can and will.

Another day...

Yes, it's true...life moves at a turtle pace where there is pain. Every breathe lingers on despair. I try and try to keep my focus on truthfulness and hope, but with all honesty I find nothing but hopelessness. I do force myself to say over and over, "maybe today will be better"...then I feel as if I have had all the air punched out of me...so here I sit...saying over and over, maybe today will be better? Well, maybe it will:-). I have good things happening today...Rylee will be over and my friend Bev will be calling to help me plan some healthy focus...also I am eating better, and it looks as if the wind has slowed down. I'll be getting a call from a caregiver of a little boy who will be staying with us for a few days of respite...then hopefully 2 students for the weekend and that will help out our finances. All in all it would behoove me to keep the cup have full focus, it does seem the better choice:-)

Sadness

With the exception of my greatest joy, Rylee Faith born on June 30th, the month of June has been of sadness. My husband Mark has been laid off on or around my birthday on far to many occasions...and...again another lay off in the month of June. I guess I will have to admit that I am completely and utterly depressed..... I try to avoid thinking any negative thoughts, I try to focus on the positive and truth, but without a doubt I wish I were not alive, death is something I wish for daily, a way to be out from the feelings of doom. I try with all of my mind to say, just hang in there, it's bound to get better, but this gloom just lingers all about me. This morning, as I panicked on how we would survive another lay off, how do we live without money...Mark helped me see that we would have enough money for the next month mortgage, also the bills from this month are covered...that should have helped me with these feelings of doom, unfortunately not, for here I sit in a puddle of tears scared of tomorrow...I know it's ridiculous, but when fear puts it's hold on you, nothing can break it's bond:(. I know & truthfully believe nothing is impossible with God, yet June came again, pulled the rug out from under me and here I sit.......